We went on vacation to my hometown. Over
the course of two weeks, Cookie was forced to play with many strange children,
most between the ages of two and five, most girls. (Cookie’s three.)
Normally she plays with two boys a bit
younger than her. She’s a calming influence, they look up to her, and the three
have learned about sharing and gentleness together over the last year and a
half. Apparently she’s had it easy.
Most of her play dates on her vacation were
violent and nasty and sadly traumatic. There was much slapping and pulling of
toys and snarky comments. Cookie’s no angel, but she’s pretty reserved and she
was not on her turf, so she was never the instigator. It was somewhat
heartening to see her gradually build up nerve and learn to pull back and
reprimand, but mostly heartbreaking. There were many tears. Some were almost
mine. Very rarely did Cookie break down and say she didn’t want to play with
the raging toddler bitch of the day, but I could tell she always wanted to say
it. But in all cases the parents we were visiting were friends, and we couldn’t
exactly leave because their children weren’t playing nice. So Cookie learned to
face each encounter with grim fatalism.
The worst part is that I had to be
diplomatic and I couldn’t parent other peoples’ kids, so I ended up defending
the other kid’s behaviour to her. I had to tell her to share. I had to explain
that the other child was still learning to express emotions, so Cookie had to understand
why they were abusing her. I hate this. I remember this, the feeling that my
mom wasn’t on my side. I still feel that. I don’t want Cookie to ever, but I’ve
already done it, and it kills me.
After a day spent with two particular girls
and their cousins, two boys, another day with the girls. Cookie asked, “Where
are the boys?” The boys who were gentle and helpful and sharing. At this age,
boys have yet to make her cry.
I recognize and remember this experience.
Girls were always competitive and jealous. Boys could care less about that
shit; they just wanted to play. Then, for a few years they were just as bossy
and even more aggressive, but then the pre-teen years hit and they were the fun
ones again. I always had girlfriends; I learned to play well with others, but
my friendships with guys were much less complicated (until they weren’t).
I want my daughter to have simple,
generous, loving relationships with girls, as she does now with her two best
friends, the boys. I knew in time this mean-girl stuff would come, but it
breaks my heart to see how nasty girl relationships are from the beginning. Is
this just the way kids are? Is there anything we can do, other than explain,
“She’s still learning to share,” “She doesn’t know how to say that she’s sad or
angry or jealous,” and “She needs you to show her how to play together”? Is
there another way to get her to love other girls, other than taking their side
rather than hers? Surely not, but I haven’t googled it yet. I’ve been too busy
visiting my lovely girlfriends and their bitchy daughters.
East End Mama
[image: Little girls by Lydia Coventry]
No comments:
Post a Comment